You know you’re depressed when…

…all the scenes & stuff I try to write in the Kingdoms ends in death for one or more major characters. Or gets so depressing itself that I just throw it aside in frustration. How emo can I get?? yeesh. :pissed off at self:

This time of year, I hate. I used to love the snow & the christmas lights, but there hits this slump every fuckin’ year. I withdraw, I go inward, I end up fighting with Brett (and he’s stressed & depressed from work), and all I want is to run away and be left alone and just sit and do NOTHING but curl up in bed & stare at the ceiling. And when my period hits, it’s even WORSE. bitch bitch bitch, moan moan moan, go paint my face white & dye my hair black & listen to Marilyn Manson. Or whatever the current trendy goth-crap band is.

Some of it’s probably my job; it’s undergone major responsibility changes in the past few months. I’ve gone from simply making sure our merchants have their websites programmed with our card correctly, to actively trying to search out folks doing illegal shit on the Net & using our card to fund it. And man, nothing undermines your faith in humanity more than the kind of crap I have to research on a daily basis. I’m not talking just your home business scams & financial scams & other ways that the Internet gets used to scam folks out of their money & info (fast plea for common sense: NO ONE IS GONNA CONTACT YOU OVER THE INTERNET TO GIVE YOU MONEY, PERIOD!) — though those are bad enough. I’m talking the true scum that should be removed permanently from life, the gene pool, and everything.

meh. I’m stopping now. I get any further into it, and I’ll wind up even more depressed. I’ll just say I’m part of a team working with NCMEC to cut off funding to certain criminal exploitation elements and leave it at that.

It’s a wonder I can still look most people in the eye without wondering what the fuck they’re hiding.

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