It’s been liberating.
It’s been exhilarating.
It’s been scary as hell.
It’s been depressing.
It’s been 24,298 words this month.
It’s still going strong.
I dropped Severed Earth back in May 2006. I’ve been working on these tales, in that world, for over 10 years. When I struggled and finally stalled back in May, I just…couldn’t…couldn’t write. Depression, stress, old fears, old bugaboos, the internal censor after me about how bad it was, old voices going “if you can’t sell it, it’s not worth doing”, parents on my case for “Why aren’t you published/selling books/it’s not worth it if you don’t/you’re not good enough if you don’t”…and believe me, NOTHING puts strings & blocks & landmines in your soul & heart like parents who don’t agree with/hate/despise 90% of who you are. I started picking up a little, in January, after Barb did her Sid/Ross/Smitty tale…but that also dropped, lost in the wake of Brett losing his job and the total stressed-out depressed mess that followed thereafter.
Then, NaNoWriMo, and encountering other writers who were just writing for the joy of it, that push to just *write* and be damned to quality, just tell the damn story. And the weight lifted. I look at the world, and see color, and character, and people. I feel angry at the bullshit going down in the world (DON’T get me started on the sheer idiocies of the Muslim world at the moment — I’m a hair from starting my own line of kiddy teddy bears named “mohammed” — hell, let’s name a bunch of stuffed pussy cats “mohammed”! –, not to mention hunting down some judges & subjecting them to gang-rape, just to have a court claim they “brought it on themselves”. And the Christian Idjits aren’t much better. OK OK, rant done…). I’m reclaiming me, snark, anger, sarcasm, wit, humor, LIFE and all…
And now, 24298 words later, I’m within spitting distance of FINISHING the first tale’s rewrite, a whole new story, so far removed from the original fanfic that the skeleton can only be caught in glimpses, and only if you’re looking for it…and now characters talk in their own voices, getting snarky, sarcastic, upset, walking into my dreams to have casual chats, to reassure me that yes, everything is all right, keep going down the path you’ve started, (and gods, jonathan, I’m still sorry…) doing their thing & be DAMNED to what I think I have planned — so much so that the last few chapters will be causing a run-through of all the preceding work, to tweak everything to retro-fit. Yes, including that damned sex scene I joked about last night!
This isn’t your fanfic Journey any more. It sure as hell ain’t my fanfic Journey, either.
I know where it’s going. The end’s in sight. I’m going to get there.
And…by the way…I’d totally forgotten what a glorious, elegant album “Trial By Fire” is. And how scary the “One More” track is.