depressive rant wank

…why the hell was I ever here?

I’ve spent the last year or two or three at this workplace getting angrier and angrier, bored and depressed-to-tears on a daily basis, unwilling to deal with the people around me, feeling little but contempt and anger at the chatter about TV and sports and inane small shit (and people like the last two posts), hating the grey corporate atmosphere and culture. I’m pissed off about how little the job I do means to the company, how much of a charade this job actually is, created by a former manager who wanted to justify creating herself a cushy no-work elevated job title.

I’ve been surrounded in grey for the past eight years, grey people, grey walls, grey cubes, grey life.

I’m supposed to be finding merchants doing illegal shit, stuff against this company’s rules. But I’ve had no training in this position, no goals, nothing that marks what a success is. What I’ve learned how to do, I’ve had to figure out on my own. What I find is routinely ignored or filed away with no action. I find things that are blatantly against our operating regulations, and the asshats change the regs so it no longer applies. The things I’m told to do have no reason, no goal, nothing that ever gets found or acted on. Busy work after busy work with no meaning, no function; the numbers we make are ignored at the department meetings, where everyone else’s numbers are proudly trumpeted and displayed.

They decided to lay off half my team because they found a third party vendor that could “do our job more extensively” than we could — and I found out last week that they still hadn’t signed the contracts, that they’re still in negotiations with that company. Which means they haven’t even tested the vendor’s system and methods to see how it’s going to work.

But they laid us off anyhow. THAT’S how much our functions are valued.

I’m tired. Gods, I’m so fuckin’ tired of this place.

Have I told any family that I’m laid off at the end of the month? No. Not even Brett’s family.

I really don’t want to hear my idiot father get on my case for leaving voluntarily. I don’t want to hear “find a job yet?” during every call, and get ranted at because, omg, I’m not searching, not looking, not WANTING to go back to the corporate grey. I don’t want to hear that I fail at life because I don’t want to work for someone else — that I want to take a month or so to do nothing but explore my own self and options.

yeah, yeah, bad economy, husband doesn’t have work yet, I’ve heard it all, I’ve ranted it all, I’ve been dealing with the ramifications of my choice to leave since making it, and I fuckin’ made it anyway and sticking with it.

In the time I’ve been here, I’ve gone from a fairly social, energetic person to an anti-social pissed-off, depressed sociopath who can’t stand 90% of the people I’m dealing with, and the remaining 10% are suspect.

yeah. needed to get THIS off my chest, too. gods, i hate this place.

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